LOL Sapphire, that's funny! you got a laugh out of me and my honey! :D

Oh those are good!

lol I'm glad to hear that :)

i really liked this one (by the same guy as the ones already posted):

haha :lol:

i'm sure we can all relate to this one...i know i can!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

THanks for sharing, those are great! :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

The following food and situations have no calories to speak of ...

OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.

INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.

FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.

CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca -- consumed for demonstration purposes -- up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.

UNEVEN EDGES: Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten. If pie or cake is neatly cut, but the remainder is not easily divisible into equal servings, it's also permissible to even things up ... without calorie consequence.

TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. Entire no-calorie dinners are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.

FOOD THAT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD: doesn't count. This is an enormous category covering a diverse range including airline food, cafeteria meals, and dinner at your sister-in-law's. Also dinners manufactured to be eaten in front of the TV.

ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For example: chocolate kisses, maraschino cherries, cubes of cheese.

LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food on Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed.

CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Guide cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories. It's in the Bible.

CAKES WITH WRITING ON THEM: Primarily fat, starch and sugar, all cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Charlie" or "Good Luck, Alice" in colored icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.

FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS: Sausages, cocktail franks, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.

LEFTOVERS: An extra pork chop, the crust of bread, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen.

FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.

CUSTOM MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrewarded. (See "Charitable Foods.")

Sapphire, That is hilarious!!! :P

hahahaha...cakes with writing on them!

:D

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Laughter is such medicine for the soul! :D These are great!

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is the husband.

:lol:

lol, I love the look on the guys face :lol:

lol yeah :lol:

rofl :lol:

like the new avatar Sapphire ^_^

Thanks, Righ :)

yeah I love that new avatar too!

hahahaa, i really like garfield. i remember as a kid, i'd steal my dads paper just to read the garfield strip.

Thanks Fluff, yours is nice too :D